Wait, I don’t want this trainwreck to stop. It’s too deliciously awful! I mean, really, please go and look right now! I’ll wait…

….

In the meantime, let’s dissect Mr. Ponytail’s critique of Cafe Caturra (I’ll get to Comfort in a bit…I can’t believe they even let this guy in there…come on, Comfort, a door man, dress code, something!)

Most obviously, I must start with this sentence down in the heart of the “review.”

The club was very thick. It was tough to mass it down to be able to take a bite!

Now, spell check/proofreading is not a difficult thing, but I’m thinking Mr. Britt might actually believe this is a logical sentence. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say his spell check didn’t catch the mass/mash mix-up, and continue on to this:

There were several specials and also great looking cookies and other deserts displayed.

Britt, I BEG of you. PLEASE learn the difference between sweet treats and dry, arid lanscapes. Seems like you have these two tagged as one in the same in that pretty little ponytail-ed head of yours.

And while we’re at it, please visit thesaurus.com. Let’s recap:

• We were surprised at the selection and found ourselves debating on what to get because everything looked so good!
• Both were very tasty and I especially liked the Thai soup.
• Our sandwiches included the Cuban Pork Panini and the Caturra Club. Both were really good.
• We finished up with a Apple Turnover and coffee. Both were good.
• This is a great spot to drop by for a good meal and catch up with friends, hang out and network with others, or even cozy up romantically. Cozy up romantically? Oh god…
• The food was really good. The service was great. The place was really clean.

What have we learned here? Well, everything was really good.

Well, late at night, when I’m really drunk and I’m in the drive-thru of McDonald’s, everything on the Dollar Menu looks really good through my blurry vision. And when it’s snowing and there’s nothing in my freezer but frozen pizzas, well, those look really good too.

Oh please help him. Someone. Anyone.

But reality tells everyone but him he actually looks like this:

Maybe even a pastier version of this.

I had one of Those Guys at my gym for a good three years — well, until I changed to a new, younger, hipper, shinier gym. In essence, I traded dentures for deltoids. Much better eye candy.

But in changing gyms, I’ve come to miss That Guy from my old gym. Not a workout would go by, that I don’t recall some version of the following occurring. Me working out all excellent-like on the Elliptical, possibly jamming out to some early Xtina on my iPod, and you struttling past on your way to the weights.

Oh, That Guy. How I always wanted to launch myself from said Elliptical mid-rotation and teach you, with my very limited knowledge, how to use the machines correctly. For chrissake, watching you grunt and heave and tug and yank at the handle bars…well, it’s hard enough staying on the Elliptical without trying to stifle a full body guffaw. Balance is not one of my finer skills.

I really didn’t want to ridicule you. In fact, I’d usually turn up “Genie in a Bottle” to the highest level, but inevitably I could still hear you making sounds akin to passing a stone as you performed your magic interpretation of what the rest of us call the Lat Pull Down.

Here’s what you should have looked like:

Oh, but how you didn’t. You’d put so much weight on that thing that getting any sort of movement out of those handle bars would require a full-on back heave, leaving your upper body virtuallly parallel to the ground. And remember that time that poor girl walked behind you at the worst moment possible? I’m still surprised your body slam didn’t leave her infertile, paralyzed or both.

So, That Guy, I’m writing this post to preserve your memory until I find a replacement That Guy at my new gym. Don’t worry, I’ve got some potentials in the line-up: That Guy who looks like he’s running in terror, fleeing from some horribly awkward run-in involving a hook-up’s truck driver husband returning home early.

Or That Guy with the really short shorts. Yeah, he’s got potential too, what with his pasty white upper thighs revealing much more of their glory than should be allowed in a family gym.

Or there’s always That Guy with the hair gel…the one who not only has sweat stains but also Garnier Fructis Curl-Shaping Cream Gel stains gently soaking through his muscle tee, forming the most flattering of patterns.

Until one of These Guys truly steps up, truly takes his absurdity beyond the realms of “Oh, that makes me chuckle,” you will always be my #1 That Guy. Hell, maybe I’ll even swing by my old gym next week just to take in one more of your most mesmerizing of performances.

Anyway, earlier this week, I got a new follower, @richmondvafood. No, no, I’m not that particularly alluring. This person started following a good 400 people or so the first day.

In the essence of being a fair and generally caring person, I checked out the website linked to the Twitter profile. Hahaha! I’m not a fair and caring person! Turns out this is the biggest effing riot I’ve encountered in some time, so naturally, I have to share my analysis of it with you.

Let’s dissect this adver, err, um, blog piece by piece. Remember I can’t make this stuff up.

This guy!

Oh where to begin? I think the eye-bleeding graphics, super sweet Windows 98 clip art and ridiculous amounts of “Your ad can go here for cheap!” speak for themselves, so let’s dig into the meat of the site.

It’s basically a guy and his wife armed with a video camera and very detailed checklist going into chain restaurants to perform a very scientific analysis of everything from restroom cleanliness to the exact time lapse between drink ordering and drink receiving.

Under the How We Review Section:

We do not announce we are doing a review. As far as everyone is concerned we are simply there to eat a meal.

Allow me to restate: a guy and his wife ARMED WITH A VIDEO CAMERA going into restaurants to “simply eat a meal.”

Hilarious!

Under the Search Tips Section:

It’s really easy to search this site. Simply type whatever you’re searching for in to the search box (located at the top of the page on the right side under the video) and click the magnifying glass. Your search results will be displayed in the center of the page. The search results will be listed by the establishment name. In other words, if you were to search for “potato” or “potato soup” one of the search results that would be displayed is our review of Outback Steakhouse. This is because we mentioned the phrase “potato soup” in our review.

“In other words,” hilarious!

Under the Review of Texas de Brazil:

There are so many grammatical gems and illogical manglings of thoughts here that I’ll just bullet ‘em right up for ya.

• It was refreshing to see a large group of people without loudness. Without loudness? Like with quietness?
• We were seated timely at 7:45pm. We weren’t thrilled with table #214 because it was located right in front of a cabinet holding silverware. Throughout our meal the staff were constantly going to it. Maybe table #217 is better? But you know, I am always partial to #178…
• My chair was kicked by servers three times. I hope there is a section for this on the evaluation form.
• She immediately took our drink order and within literally a couple minutes served them. Drinks are procured in only a few minutes? Stop it! Insanity!
• The [salad] bar is a masterpiece of color and style. The rich colors and food combinations offer something for everyone. Good to know richly colored foods are available because I refuse to eat anything beige.
• We love lobster however didn’t care for the lobster bisque. It had a very strong fish taste that didn’t appear to be just lobster flavor. This just makes me feel stupider for having read it.
• The vanilla bean ice cream is some of the very best I’ve had. Because vanilla ice cream is such a complex beast with so many varying preparations.

In the Video of Texas de Brazil:

• The poor waitress. The poor, poor waitress with the plastic dessert tray laughing nervously while being filmed.
• Filming outside the restaurant harassing other diners as they leave. Hilarious!
  
• Pronunciation as “Texas Dee Brazil”
• This quote: “If you love chicken like I do, you should especially try the chicken wrapped in bacon. It had a flame-y, smoky kinda flavor. It was awesome.” Grilled meats that taste flame-y. Hilarious!
• This quote: “I tell ya. It was like 4 and three quarters stars for me!” Oh, just oh.

I could go on, but I need to call about their blog design services. The used car salesman in the video pointed at me so many times that I knew he was talking directly to me. I need his help in taking pictures, taking video, “whatever we need to do to make [me] look the best.”

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UPDATE: Ahaha! More content has been added to the site! A review of Weeize’s Kitchen in “Cary Town!”

I won’t go into such nit-picky insults as I did for “Texas Dee Brazil” but all I’ve gotten out of this “review” is that stuff was “good” and the couple “liked it.”

I don’t know what I find more disturbing…the Freddy Krueger horror music they’ve dubbed over top of the blurry, unappetizing food shots or the fact that they stood outside with their video camera set up on the sidewalk and gave a brilliant “right in the moment” analysis. Oh and the skull cap was pretty sweet too.

Really? REALLY?

This site is offensive not only to anyone who blogs, but it’s also an insult to our restaurant scene. What if an out-of-towner stumbles upon this site and thinks “Hey, this must be Richmond?”

Let’s cross our fingers and hope it’s a really bad attempt at satire.

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UPDATE UPDATE: My friend who knows how to use this new-fangled Google thingie did a little search on our Food Around Richmond buddy.

Please, oh please, click here.

Hellllllooooo Rip Off Report.

This is seriously too much. Hilarious!